Some things can end...

I'm laying here in bed trying to get my ass moving. All I want to do is stay in bed. It's cozy, it's comfortable, it's warm, and most of all it feel safe. I just don't want to get up.

I've had so much time to think these last few days. And I am really proud of what I did. It was hard to just walk away. But I did it. And I am doing good. I feel like I accomplished something really important. That first step.

I have been in hell the last little while. Sometimes I thought it just wasn't worth it to go on. I don't know how many times I felt it would be so easy to just let go at night when I was driving home. If I wasn't here then I wouldn't have any problems.

But that wouldn't solve anything. And with my luck all it would accomplish is getting me seriously hurt. It just not worth it. No matter what. I was given this life for a reason. I might not know what it is right now but I can't just throw it away.

The more and more I think about it the madder I become at myself. I always said I would never be one of those girls that would let someone use and abuse her. I kept telling myself that he wasn't. That it was the accident. That he was just having a hard time.

But no matter what the reason behind it... I didn't deserve it. Maybe he knew what he was doing. And maybe he didn't. But either way he hurt me. Over and over and over again. And I just kept letting him do it. I felt like I'd never do any better.

But I can and I will one day.

I said before that maybe it wasn't physical abuse. And maybe it wasn't sexual. But in some ways it was. It was definitely mental. He'd overpower me. Nothing I said mattered. I just wasn't good enough.

If I said no. He never took me seriously. I could say it over and over again and he's ignore me. He'd tell me I wanted it. He'd convince me I owed him for things I did to him. But what the hell did I really do? Nothing. I even started crying towards the end. Not wanting to touch him or be touched. It was so wrong and I didn't even see it. And I don't know why.

What the hell did I do to deserve it? Nothing. Nothing at all. Not in the beginning and not in the end. Because no matter what I did. Nothing could make it alright for someone to do that.

I can move on. I am moving on. It's one of those things you learn from. I don't have to be afraid. Because no one else can hurt me. Not if I don't let them. I have to let them in. I can't push people away no matter how much I want to. And I wont. But I don't have to let anyone hurt me either.

I'm not proud at all that I stuck that out for a year. That I let anyone do that to me for so long. But I AM proud that I put an end to it. That I said "fuck you" and walked away.

I'm not mad, I'm not angry. I don't even hate him. Maybe I really should be. But I am not. I just hope he gets the help he needs before someone else ends up hurt. I will never go through that again. Not with anyone.

I deserve better then that and one day I am going to have better then that with someone else.

For some reason I just can't explain. I know things will be ok. I just feel it.