Lost and confused

Ever since I came back from Kandahar I feel lost. Like right now my life has no purpose and is not going anywhere. I'll be 29 next week. And what do I have to show for it? Nothing at the moment. I'm temporarily unemployed, living with my parents, with no education, no family of my own and no kids. I know I can change that. I just don't really know how to get there. I'm bored. I figured I'd have no problem getting a job as soon as I came home. I saved up some money and now all of it is gone. I am back to where I started.

The only thing I cam home with was a sense that my life was not the way I wanted it. Getting a chance to go over there filled me with so much ambition. I wanted to save money, work on my relationship with my boyfriend, save up enough money to get an education and get myself out of debt once and for all. And none of that has happened. Instead just before I went over I had an accident and totaled the only thing that was really truly mine, if you don't count the fact the bank actually owned it until I paid off the loan.

Then to make matters worse I got sick and had to come home early. Not finishing out my contract and getting the bonus or a chance to sign on for another one. In one way I miss it over there so much. It could really be fun. At the same time it was stressful being where I was. Away from family and friends. Away from the one person in the world I love more then anything. Now I am dying for a chance to go back and try it over again. And I really don't think I have a chance. I can't even get a job at home never mind one somewhere else. I have applied with other companies but I have heard absolutely nothing.

I find myself day dreaming and thinking of going back. I don't want to leave my boyfriend again but it is the only way I can get anywhere. We did better off away from each other. I think if we really love each other then our relationship can stand the separation again. I think it would be good for both of us. Or at the very least if things didn't work out for us it would give me a chance for a clean break.

I want so much for myself. I want a life that I can be proud of. I want to say I did something important. I want to be able to say I did something that not a lot of people have a chance to do. And even though I got the chance once it doesn't seem like it was fulfilled. I don't feel like I really got the chance to prove myself.

I am lost and I don't know where to turn. I'm torn in so many different directions that to find the right path seems so impossible. I feel like no matter what I do I seem to fail. But I also have had a taste of something that I really liked. Something I really want to do. Somewhere I really want to be. And I want to know that no matter what I will be alright. That I'll be able to sort through everything and make the choices I need to make to get where I want to go and do what I want and need to do. But how do I get started... When will I get the break that I need?