A new beginning...

I'm so tired of doing what's expected of me. Of what everyone wants me to do. I'm tired of being bossed around. Of being belittled and picked on. I have feelings too. I'm tired of being someones stomping ground.

I just couldn't take it anymore. I stopped loving him a while ago. I instead loved the "idea" of him. The idea of being with someone. I hate being alone. I never have liked being alone. I've gone from one failed relationship to another. And why? Because I never took the time to get to know the person I was with. I just let emotions and lust take over.

I don't even really know myself. What I want. What I like. Where I want to go. I have an idea. I know I'm not happy where I am now. But I just never really knew how to get what I want. Not anymore. It's time to take back everything that was taken from me. My pride. My dignity. My happiness.

It was abuse. Maybe it wasn't physical. Maybe it wasn't sexual. But it was abuse just the same. It's time to fight back. It was time to walk away. So I did. To show myself I'm worth more then that.

It took someone else to show me that. Someone I barely know. But who has said some things that really made me think. He made me realize that not every guy is going to treat me like shit. And that I shouldn't settle. I'm worth more then that. He told me he was proud of me. It meant more to me then he'll ever know. He's the first guy that has ever told me that. And we barely know each other. Maybe he saw something in me that no one has? I don't know... But it made me smile. I don't smile easily.

He makes me want to be myself. Not someone else. I want to get to know him. I really think I can trust him. I have such a hard time trusting anyone. But I think I can trust him. I don't think he'd ever hurt me. I like that he's honest and upfront with me. There is no bullshitting it. He tells it like it is. I need to learn to do that.

I know it's too soon for me to get involved with anyone. But that doesn't mean I can't get to know him if he'll let me. To be friends.

I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. I've done things that I never should have done. But who hasn't. It's time I stopped blaming myself for everything. And everyone else. And maybe just let it all go and start again. Everyone deserves a second chance. Maybe it's time I gave myself a second chance.

I've been too hard on myself for a long time. It's time to stop.