Ever since I came back from Kandahar I feel lost. Like right now my life has no purpose and is not going anywhere. I'll be 29 next week. And what do I have to show for it? Nothing at the moment. I'm temporarily unemployed, living with my parents, with no education, no family of my own and no kids. I know I can change that. I just don't really know how to get there. I'm bored. I figured I'd have no problem getting a job as soon as I came home. I saved up some money and now all of it is gone. I am back to where I started.
The only thing I cam home with was a sense that my life was not the way I wanted it. Getting a chance to go over there filled me with so much ambition. I wanted to save money, work on my relationship with my boyfriend, save up enough money to get an education and get myself out of debt once and for all. And none of that has happened. Instead just before I went over I had an accident and totaled the only thing that was really truly mine, if you don't count the fact the bank actually owned it until I paid off the loan.
Then to make matters worse I got sick and had to come home early. Not finishing out my contract and getting the bonus or a chance to sign on for another one. In one way I miss it over there so much. It could really be fun. At the same time it was stressful being where I was. Away from family and friends. Away from the one person in the world I love more then anything. Now I am dying for a chance to go back and try it over again. And I really don't think I have a chance. I can't even get a job at home never mind one somewhere else. I have applied with other companies but I have heard absolutely nothing.
I find myself day dreaming and thinking of going back. I don't want to leave my boyfriend again but it is the only way I can get anywhere. We did better off away from each other. I think if we really love each other then our relationship can stand the separation again. I think it would be good for both of us. Or at the very least if things didn't work out for us it would give me a chance for a clean break.
I want so much for myself. I want a life that I can be proud of. I want to say I did something important. I want to be able to say I did something that not a lot of people have a chance to do. And even though I got the chance once it doesn't seem like it was fulfilled. I don't feel like I really got the chance to prove myself.
I am lost and I don't know where to turn. I'm torn in so many different directions that to find the right path seems so impossible. I feel like no matter what I do I seem to fail. But I also have had a taste of something that I really liked. Something I really want to do. Somewhere I really want to be. And I want to know that no matter what I will be alright. That I'll be able to sort through everything and make the choices I need to make to get where I want to go and do what I want and need to do. But how do I get started... When will I get the break that I need?
Jun 28, 2009
Oct 9, 2008
Just keep trying right?
My sleeping habits are so messed up it’s not funny. I am getting home around 12:30 or 1 AM and I am not sleeping until 4 or 5 AM or later. I just can not sleep. I’m up all night. Sometimes I just talk to someone if anyone is up. Other times I’m just laying there staring at the ceiling. I know it wont last. I go through periods of it. But I just don’t know if I should fight it and try and sleep. I could go and get sleeping pills from my doctor but as soon as I stop taking them I end up back in the same position. I guess I just have to ride it out. But it sucks cause when I finally fall asleep I sleep until an hour or two before I go to work.
I work the same shift every day Monday to Friday and always have the weekends off. Which I like. But the nights are killing me. I’m tired as hell all the time. I’m always sick. And I feel so run down and warn out all the time. But there is nothing I can do but weather it and go on I guess. I just get so frustrated and I seriously want to stand there and scream until someone listens.
I have felt like this before. Sometimes I feel like nothing will ever work out and that I’m always going to be stuck like this. Somewhere between happy and miserable. Some days I feel like I’m really accomplishing something and that things are going well. And other days I just want to curl up n my shell and hide away and never come out. But where would that get me? No where really.
I’ve dealt with depression before. I’ve dealt with anxiety so bad I wouldn’t leave the house unless someone was dragging me to the hospital. I’ve dealt with much worse feelings then that. But anytime I tried to talk to someone all they wanted to do was medicate me. I hate it. I hate the feeling of being on medication. I can’t deal with it. I feel worse. I hate trying to find the right combination. And then changing to something else. It’s not worth it for me. I feel like I can and will do better dealing with it on my own.
I have gone for almost 6 years without anything. I have dealt with any anxiety by just concentrating and calming myself down. I know I still over react. And some people mistake it for other things. I’ve been told I’m overbearing. That I am clingy and not very self reliant. But no one really knows how hard I have tried to control those emotions and how far I’ve come in the last 5 or 6 years. Except my family maybe. I’m trying hard but sometimes I just don’t know where to turn.
It frustrates me to no end. I feel like the harder I try the harder I fall. But I am smart enough to know that I always figure it out. That I always make the best of things as much as I can and keep going on. Sometimes I have to wonder how far I can go before I just break though. I’ve done it before and probably will again but it just scares the crap out of me.
Sometimes I just feel like I can’t overcome it and there is no point in trying. I know a lot of it is situational. That it has to do with other things going on in my life. But I just hate that every time there is the least little bit of stress in my life I feel like I’m going to explode. I get confused and moody. I get defensive and defiant. I have fairly good control over it. I know that. Or I’d be in big trouble right now.
But sometimes I just feel like crying… I feel like I want something that I am just never going to have. I feel like I’m working my ass off for nothing. Because I feel like I am getting no where. I’m tired of going backwards. Forwards seems so far off sometimes. Like it’s out of my league.
But one thing I have learned. I can’t stop trying. I have to just keep at it. One day I’ll get it and things will even out. One day I will look back and say I did it. I really did.
I work the same shift every day Monday to Friday and always have the weekends off. Which I like. But the nights are killing me. I’m tired as hell all the time. I’m always sick. And I feel so run down and warn out all the time. But there is nothing I can do but weather it and go on I guess. I just get so frustrated and I seriously want to stand there and scream until someone listens.
I have felt like this before. Sometimes I feel like nothing will ever work out and that I’m always going to be stuck like this. Somewhere between happy and miserable. Some days I feel like I’m really accomplishing something and that things are going well. And other days I just want to curl up n my shell and hide away and never come out. But where would that get me? No where really.
I’ve dealt with depression before. I’ve dealt with anxiety so bad I wouldn’t leave the house unless someone was dragging me to the hospital. I’ve dealt with much worse feelings then that. But anytime I tried to talk to someone all they wanted to do was medicate me. I hate it. I hate the feeling of being on medication. I can’t deal with it. I feel worse. I hate trying to find the right combination. And then changing to something else. It’s not worth it for me. I feel like I can and will do better dealing with it on my own.
I have gone for almost 6 years without anything. I have dealt with any anxiety by just concentrating and calming myself down. I know I still over react. And some people mistake it for other things. I’ve been told I’m overbearing. That I am clingy and not very self reliant. But no one really knows how hard I have tried to control those emotions and how far I’ve come in the last 5 or 6 years. Except my family maybe. I’m trying hard but sometimes I just don’t know where to turn.
It frustrates me to no end. I feel like the harder I try the harder I fall. But I am smart enough to know that I always figure it out. That I always make the best of things as much as I can and keep going on. Sometimes I have to wonder how far I can go before I just break though. I’ve done it before and probably will again but it just scares the crap out of me.
Sometimes I just feel like I can’t overcome it and there is no point in trying. I know a lot of it is situational. That it has to do with other things going on in my life. But I just hate that every time there is the least little bit of stress in my life I feel like I’m going to explode. I get confused and moody. I get defensive and defiant. I have fairly good control over it. I know that. Or I’d be in big trouble right now.
But sometimes I just feel like crying… I feel like I want something that I am just never going to have. I feel like I’m working my ass off for nothing. Because I feel like I am getting no where. I’m tired of going backwards. Forwards seems so far off sometimes. Like it’s out of my league.
But one thing I have learned. I can’t stop trying. I have to just keep at it. One day I’ll get it and things will even out. One day I will look back and say I did it. I really did.
Oct 2, 2008
Some things can end...
I'm laying here in bed trying to get my ass moving. All I want to do is stay in bed. It's cozy, it's comfortable, it's warm, and most of all it feel safe. I just don't want to get up.
I've had so much time to think these last few days. And I am really proud of what I did. It was hard to just walk away. But I did it. And I am doing good. I feel like I accomplished something really important. That first step.
I have been in hell the last little while. Sometimes I thought it just wasn't worth it to go on. I don't know how many times I felt it would be so easy to just let go at night when I was driving home. If I wasn't here then I wouldn't have any problems.
But that wouldn't solve anything. And with my luck all it would accomplish is getting me seriously hurt. It just not worth it. No matter what. I was given this life for a reason. I might not know what it is right now but I can't just throw it away.
The more and more I think about it the madder I become at myself. I always said I would never be one of those girls that would let someone use and abuse her. I kept telling myself that he wasn't. That it was the accident. That he was just having a hard time.
But no matter what the reason behind it... I didn't deserve it. Maybe he knew what he was doing. And maybe he didn't. But either way he hurt me. Over and over and over again. And I just kept letting him do it. I felt like I'd never do any better.
But I can and I will one day.
I said before that maybe it wasn't physical abuse. And maybe it wasn't sexual. But in some ways it was. It was definitely mental. He'd overpower me. Nothing I said mattered. I just wasn't good enough.
If I said no. He never took me seriously. I could say it over and over again and he's ignore me. He'd tell me I wanted it. He'd convince me I owed him for things I did to him. But what the hell did I really do? Nothing. I even started crying towards the end. Not wanting to touch him or be touched. It was so wrong and I didn't even see it. And I don't know why.
What the hell did I do to deserve it? Nothing. Nothing at all. Not in the beginning and not in the end. Because no matter what I did. Nothing could make it alright for someone to do that.
I can move on. I am moving on. It's one of those things you learn from. I don't have to be afraid. Because no one else can hurt me. Not if I don't let them. I have to let them in. I can't push people away no matter how much I want to. And I wont. But I don't have to let anyone hurt me either.
I'm not proud at all that I stuck that out for a year. That I let anyone do that to me for so long. But I AM proud that I put an end to it. That I said "fuck you" and walked away.
I'm not mad, I'm not angry. I don't even hate him. Maybe I really should be. But I am not. I just hope he gets the help he needs before someone else ends up hurt. I will never go through that again. Not with anyone.
I deserve better then that and one day I am going to have better then that with someone else.
For some reason I just can't explain. I know things will be ok. I just feel it.
I've had so much time to think these last few days. And I am really proud of what I did. It was hard to just walk away. But I did it. And I am doing good. I feel like I accomplished something really important. That first step.
I have been in hell the last little while. Sometimes I thought it just wasn't worth it to go on. I don't know how many times I felt it would be so easy to just let go at night when I was driving home. If I wasn't here then I wouldn't have any problems.
But that wouldn't solve anything. And with my luck all it would accomplish is getting me seriously hurt. It just not worth it. No matter what. I was given this life for a reason. I might not know what it is right now but I can't just throw it away.
The more and more I think about it the madder I become at myself. I always said I would never be one of those girls that would let someone use and abuse her. I kept telling myself that he wasn't. That it was the accident. That he was just having a hard time.
But no matter what the reason behind it... I didn't deserve it. Maybe he knew what he was doing. And maybe he didn't. But either way he hurt me. Over and over and over again. And I just kept letting him do it. I felt like I'd never do any better.
But I can and I will one day.
I said before that maybe it wasn't physical abuse. And maybe it wasn't sexual. But in some ways it was. It was definitely mental. He'd overpower me. Nothing I said mattered. I just wasn't good enough.
If I said no. He never took me seriously. I could say it over and over again and he's ignore me. He'd tell me I wanted it. He'd convince me I owed him for things I did to him. But what the hell did I really do? Nothing. I even started crying towards the end. Not wanting to touch him or be touched. It was so wrong and I didn't even see it. And I don't know why.
What the hell did I do to deserve it? Nothing. Nothing at all. Not in the beginning and not in the end. Because no matter what I did. Nothing could make it alright for someone to do that.
I can move on. I am moving on. It's one of those things you learn from. I don't have to be afraid. Because no one else can hurt me. Not if I don't let them. I have to let them in. I can't push people away no matter how much I want to. And I wont. But I don't have to let anyone hurt me either.
I'm not proud at all that I stuck that out for a year. That I let anyone do that to me for so long. But I AM proud that I put an end to it. That I said "fuck you" and walked away.
I'm not mad, I'm not angry. I don't even hate him. Maybe I really should be. But I am not. I just hope he gets the help he needs before someone else ends up hurt. I will never go through that again. Not with anyone.
I deserve better then that and one day I am going to have better then that with someone else.
For some reason I just can't explain. I know things will be ok. I just feel it.
Oct 1, 2008
A new beginning...
I'm so tired of doing what's expected of me. Of what everyone wants me to do. I'm tired of being bossed around. Of being belittled and picked on. I have feelings too. I'm tired of being someones stomping ground.
I just couldn't take it anymore. I stopped loving him a while ago. I instead loved the "idea" of him. The idea of being with someone. I hate being alone. I never have liked being alone. I've gone from one failed relationship to another. And why? Because I never took the time to get to know the person I was with. I just let emotions and lust take over.
I don't even really know myself. What I want. What I like. Where I want to go. I have an idea. I know I'm not happy where I am now. But I just never really knew how to get what I want. Not anymore. It's time to take back everything that was taken from me. My pride. My dignity. My happiness.
It was abuse. Maybe it wasn't physical. Maybe it wasn't sexual. But it was abuse just the same. It's time to fight back. It was time to walk away. So I did. To show myself I'm worth more then that.
It took someone else to show me that. Someone I barely know. But who has said some things that really made me think. He made me realize that not every guy is going to treat me like shit. And that I shouldn't settle. I'm worth more then that. He told me he was proud of me. It meant more to me then he'll ever know. He's the first guy that has ever told me that. And we barely know each other. Maybe he saw something in me that no one has? I don't know... But it made me smile. I don't smile easily.
He makes me want to be myself. Not someone else. I want to get to know him. I really think I can trust him. I have such a hard time trusting anyone. But I think I can trust him. I don't think he'd ever hurt me. I like that he's honest and upfront with me. There is no bullshitting it. He tells it like it is. I need to learn to do that.
I know it's too soon for me to get involved with anyone. But that doesn't mean I can't get to know him if he'll let me. To be friends.
I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. I've done things that I never should have done. But who hasn't. It's time I stopped blaming myself for everything. And everyone else. And maybe just let it all go and start again. Everyone deserves a second chance. Maybe it's time I gave myself a second chance.
I've been too hard on myself for a long time. It's time to stop.
I just couldn't take it anymore. I stopped loving him a while ago. I instead loved the "idea" of him. The idea of being with someone. I hate being alone. I never have liked being alone. I've gone from one failed relationship to another. And why? Because I never took the time to get to know the person I was with. I just let emotions and lust take over.
I don't even really know myself. What I want. What I like. Where I want to go. I have an idea. I know I'm not happy where I am now. But I just never really knew how to get what I want. Not anymore. It's time to take back everything that was taken from me. My pride. My dignity. My happiness.
It was abuse. Maybe it wasn't physical. Maybe it wasn't sexual. But it was abuse just the same. It's time to fight back. It was time to walk away. So I did. To show myself I'm worth more then that.
It took someone else to show me that. Someone I barely know. But who has said some things that really made me think. He made me realize that not every guy is going to treat me like shit. And that I shouldn't settle. I'm worth more then that. He told me he was proud of me. It meant more to me then he'll ever know. He's the first guy that has ever told me that. And we barely know each other. Maybe he saw something in me that no one has? I don't know... But it made me smile. I don't smile easily.
He makes me want to be myself. Not someone else. I want to get to know him. I really think I can trust him. I have such a hard time trusting anyone. But I think I can trust him. I don't think he'd ever hurt me. I like that he's honest and upfront with me. There is no bullshitting it. He tells it like it is. I need to learn to do that.
I know it's too soon for me to get involved with anyone. But that doesn't mean I can't get to know him if he'll let me. To be friends.
I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. I've done things that I never should have done. But who hasn't. It's time I stopped blaming myself for everything. And everyone else. And maybe just let it all go and start again. Everyone deserves a second chance. Maybe it's time I gave myself a second chance.
I've been too hard on myself for a long time. It's time to stop.
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